A heavily recirculated Twitter debate that always catches my eye is one that centers around whether or not kink is a necessary part of a healthy sex life. “Isn’t vanilla enough?” ask some. Others adamantly believe that trying new things that push you outside of your comfort zone is imperative. And while everybody is entitled to their own opinion, and I’m not some Grand Director of Sex Lives, I am an escort with a few thoughts. They are as follows:

I belong to the third group that sees this subject as fluid, and do not believe that it is necessary for everyone to experience kink at some point in their life. I do, however, believe that a healthy sexual relationship between two people is one that is conducive to introducing it into the bedroom should the desire or opportunity arise. This is a dynamic in which both parties feel so comfortable that they are enabled to voice any explorative desire or new, consensual fantasy that sparks their interest without fear of judgement. And I personally find that this level of ease is the hallmark of my most exciting, honest, balanced and fulfilling relationships.

Take my ten-year romance with a long-term (now ex) boyfriend: He had a thing for tall and confident brunettes, and I had a thing for hot married suits. (All quips aside, we were unexpected soul mates and very much in love.) At first, it went as expected per the above descriptors. Of course we would make love. But I would also tie him up and step on him gently, pressing my stiletto into his hardness as he worshiped my legs. I’d edge him til he nearly passed out. It was tremendously exciting and very romantic, and I felt like a goddess.

And then things changed as we evolved and grew both individually and as a couple. We soon found ourselves in a switchy relationship with vast stretches of pure passion utterly devoid of power play. We still made love, and he learned to finger me and find my g-spot at just the right moment with the precision of a surgeon. But he also developed a previously-uncharacteristically dominant fetish for “reclaiming” me after I’d been with clients. We’d spend a few days together between bookings, and I would be “subjected” to his power. This was the first time I naturally transitioned into a submissive role, and the first time I’d ever found pleasure in being controlled. I found it highly erotic and so very orgasmic.

I’ve noticed the same trend with all of my most impactful and enduring carnal relationships. I am honored to have a cadre of men in my existence whom I’ve known for years and with whom I’ve shared mutual evolution and growth. We don’t go into our dates with a to-do list, and I’m never a Domme. They are never my sub, nor am I theirs. Even when one of us is in control, it is more nuanced than that. We play off of our specific chemistry and shared history and do what we want in the moment.

So to sum this all up: Do I feel it’s necessary to introduce kink into the bedroom? No. But I believe it is essential for any couple – regardless of the parameters of their relationship – to establish a connection that is rooted in respect, comfort, openness, communication, and self-awareness. What happens next will come naturally and be exactly what you both need, regardless of whether kink is involved!