How to Be Better in Bed for Men
A couple of months ago, I asked my Substack subscribers to send anonymous questions through the Tellonym app. They delivered, and I’ve been slowly hand-picking a few to explore.
This is the first one I answered, and it’s well past time I shared it with you.
(Don’t worry. In the coming months, the majority of my writing will live here. I have a list of topics I want us to explore, and a vlog or two I’d like to film. Stay tuned.)
Anyway, the question was: “What’s one thing the average man can do to improve in bed?”
And my answer? Stop taking sex so seriously.
So many men approach sex feeling pressured to perform.
And honestly? That’s understandable.
They want to feel desired, they want their partner to feel pleasure, and they’re human. And all humans come equipped with insecurities and past experiences that color the present.
Also, most in my midst are navigating some kind of drought—emotional, physical, or both—and are required to operate with precision in order to succeed professionally.
Combine all of this, and it’s easy to start approaching intimacy like a task to complete or something to conquer rather than an experience to mutually enjoy.
When we turn sex into a checklist, we stop being fully present.
When we’re not fully present, we’re not at ease. And the best sex—the most collaborative, mind-blowing sex—happens when both partners feel at ease.
When you relax into what feels good, stop overthinking, and let yourself drift into the moment, your partner notices. And they love it.
Now you’re able to listen to their body and not just their words. And this is when you can really begin exploring and diving deep together.
(Since originally writing this, I’ve connected with a man who enjoys making kink lists for us to explore. I consider that a novel exception to the rule.)
It’s one thing to understand this in theory, and another to feel it in practice.
Speaking personally, I know that when my lover joins me in that flow—when we treat sex as a wordless conversation between two bodies—my arousal becomes impossible to contain.
I’m most stimulated when my partner is as enraptured by his own pleasure as he is by mine. So when the so-called “average man” gets out of his head, that’s when he goes from good to unforgettable.
